When Will I Be Enough?

When I was younger I felt I could do anything. Perhaps it’s my Aries nature, coming up with an idea and implementing it held no barriers if I really wanted to make it happen. 

Fast forward to motherhood and becoming a single mom where all of my insecurities reared their ugly heads and took me down, humbling me like never before.

I was still able to muster up the energy and inspiration within me to take some steps needed to pull myself up and out into the world again. Though I was certainly much more cautious. My tendency to throw myself into the wind came with big costs when I didn’t meet my mark. It wasn’t just about myself, it was about the safety and security of my kids, too.

I wanted to be the best mom. I wanted to show the world how I could succeed by doing it differently than the standard norm and on my own terms. This became an insurmountable hill to climb. 

When my grandma was on her deathbed one of the things she said to me was that there will always be suffering. I don’t particularly subscribe to this but I believe what she was trying to say was that life will always bring challenges. When I was facing my challenges head on as a single mom, it became exhausting. I was worried about making the “right” choices. I was self conscious about what other people thought of me. I felt rejected trying to date and find a partner that could make things easier for me in my parenting journey. I was trying and trying to build a thriving occupation that didn’t leave me depleted at the end of the week. 

It began to feel as if nothing stuck. I couldn’t rely on a man, a consistent income, my health, or myself to be there for me consistently. I’d push, hit my limit, and plummet, over and over again.

It was never enough to try harder. I felt like I landed in dead ends until I felt like I’d lost the battle completely.

In hindsight, I can see that it didn’t need to be a battle at all. That my experiences and all that it brought to me and my children, gave us all the tools we needed to navigate what we face today. 

I’m clear that I will never compromise my most important values in a relationship again. I see my children standing up for themselves in what they want now in their mid 20’s, navigating their own dreams and challenges. I can feel the percolating vibrancy in the ideas that have accumulated over the years of running my own businesses and learning from my mistakes.

I know the challenges will continue to come. Now I feel ready for them. More equipped and accepting of myself. I would still like to refine many things in my life and…. I am finding more satisfaction on the other side of each passing storm. I don’t expect to ever “arrive” and so I’ve resolved to enjoy the journey. Finding peace within myself in moments, then feeling my determination rise, the need to express myself becomes so overwhelming that my next needed action becomes crystal clear. And with each cycle, when I capture my ideas and implement them, I grow into the woman I’ve always wanted to be… over and over again.