Wanting To Be A Mom

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. In my early 20’s as a preschool teacher, I loved being with the kids all day. I had so much fun entertaining them, keeping them busy with art projects, music, reading books, laying out puzzles, and telling them stories at circle time. 

Lunches and snacks were even fun. Laying out all the options and watching their unique eating habits take over eating slowly, stuffing their faces, or being picky about what they would eat. There was definitely a system to clean up after those little guys. Wiping down the table, chairs, faces and hands before they ran off to do the next thing.

Spontaneity was a constant affair. Crying, laughter, shouting, sharing, arguing, hugging, it was a full spectrum of self expression and emotion on a moment to moment basis. And I loved it! I was certainly tired at the end of the day but it was extraordinary to see these young ones experiencing things for the first time. Learning how to navigate relationships and get their needs met. Discovering their likes and dislikes and not being afraid to tell the people around them about it all.

I went to school to learn about early childhood development and the stages of growth we all move through. I learned how to hold space for them to find their words rather than hit or scream when they were not getting what they needed. Teaching kids how to share and the power of empathy when someone got hurt. 

I felt I was ready for my own kids and judged the parents who picked up their kids at the end of the day only to have them fall apart and become completely different kids once their mom or dad arrived. I thought to myself that I would do it right. I was ready and knew what I was doing.

When my daughter was born I had done all that I could to be ready. I folded my cloth diapers and had all the onesies stacked up neatly on the shelves below the changing table. I had blankets and rattles, teething toys and a beautiful mobile hanging over her crib. I had planned to co-sleep and cuddle her through the night, keeping her close and breast feeding her while reading my books on parenting.

I had a rude awakening when she did not sleep through the night and would only feed for 10 min before letting go and spitting up everywhere. She was colicky and cried a lot for hours. I stopped eating spicy foods and brassicas and drank lots of anise tea to help her digestion but it never improved. She needed to be walked around the house endlessly. I was exhausted and so was her dad. She finally began sleeping through the night when I set her down to sleep in her own bassinet. No night time cuddling I guess.

Many of my parenting “plans” went out the window. I felt like I was run over by a Mack truck rather than feeling graceful and blissed out as a mother. Even when she became a toddler she refused to put those cute hair clips in her hair and needed everything just right before she could participate. 

We had lovely walks and were blessed to live by the beach. She loved swinging in the swing and eating strawberry ice cream. But just as soon as I felt I’d finally got it down. She would grow into the next stage and I’d have to figure her out all over again. Needless to say, parenting was not the never ending fun I had expected as a preschool teacher. I learned that kids are different when they’re your own. They test you and rely on you to hold it down for them when they lose their shit. After all, you are the parent.

Parenting has been no joke. Beautiful, powerful and so rewarding in precious moments and in the long run. I was so humbled than I ever knew I would be when I chose to become a mom. Now my kids are grown and one of them even has his own kids. I look back at photos and wish for just one more cuddle with the two of them snuggled up with me. Alas, they are huge humans now. We go out to dinner and I get good hugs and sweet cards from them. Then they go home and I go to mine. 

I trust that they received exactly what they were meant to from me and that they know regardless of how big they get, I’m always here for them. I’m so grateful for the gifts of growth, love, and adventure they’ve given me. Even if I had a different idea of what parenting was going to be, once I let go of all the expectations I’d put on myself I realized it was perfect for me.