Trusting The Flow

When I left my home with my kids and their dad, life became very uncertain. I had to trust my intuition in a way I never had before. 

I could no longer stay in that relationship and the security it had provided was palpable. The beautiful home where bills were paid, the neighborhood was full of familiar faces, my clawfoot tub with a view of the redwoods, the matching cars in the driveway and the office where I could work from home were all things I was saying goodbye to. At the same time, I knew I was saying “yes” to myself and the life I was setting out to create by my own will.

I leaned into my community. My decision was spontaneous and I found a temporary place to call home with a longtime friend, her husband and their kids. Eventually I found a studio I could rent from a family I’d met through an ad. They also had young children around the ages of my own children. I made it cozy and beautiful with the little resources I had, though it was barely affordable. I was up against some big challenges. Paying rent for the first time since having kids and not having a steady income made it all the more difficult. The family I rented from were empathetic and extremely welcoming and supportive.

My kids were still small so we shared a bed and did well in the small space we had. There was a yard and the beach was within walking distance, their school was also just a short drive away. With a fireplace, a large closet, kitchenette and laundry room, we didn’t need much more. Until they grew. I began to realize we needed our own rooms, our own beds, a kitchen and a bathtub would be nice, too.

I found a two bedroom duplex way out in the mountains in the opposite direction on the other side of the county. Again, it was about affordability. I had just begun growing my business and income was unpredictable. Being in transition and working to build a steady clientele was tricky. And scary. Needless to say, it felt like a huge victory to secure my own two bedroom home for my kids and I. The drive to get them to school was now 40 min each way. Determined to succeed, I woke early to take care of my own needs. Then I would make sure my kids were fed well and prepared for the day. Baths with candle light and relaxing music were my saving grace. After getting my kids to bed, I’d set myself up for a good night's rest before having to do it all over again.

Years later, after moving back in to try once more with my ex, I moved out for the second time. I was really clear now. In seeking a new home for my kids and I, we found a 3 bedroom house to share with another single mom who had a daughter the same age as mine. It was an optimistic step to share a home with these two new friends though unfortunately, they had to move a few months later. From then on we managed the spacious house which had a beautiful wrap-around porch, high ceilings and 3 bathrooms, one for each room. We could walk to stores, a park, the ocean and out to the Beach Boardwalk. We could ride our bikes to Wilder Ranch and go out for sushi, pizza and more just a few blocks away. It was an ideal situation in so many ways so when we rented out the downstairs bedroom it was necessary to have someone compatible and friendly. We had two different friends come and live with us for several months at a time. We watched movies, cooked all together and celebrated holidays and birthdays. 

That era ended when I had an opportunity to travel to Europe for the first time. The landlord lived in the studio behind us and was not keen on the idea of subletting while I traveled for 6 weeks so we packed up our things, put them in storage and my kids lived with their dad while I took a well earned adventure. It was the first time I’d been away from them for so long. I saw Paris, Venice, Munich and stayed with families and locals. I traveled alone without knowing the language and felt successful when I returned home with all the belongings I’d left with and a phone full of photos from my extraordinary experience. 

Not knowing where I would land upon returning home, I lent myself to trust once again. My dad heard of a small cabin in the woods for rent so I went to check it out. I thought to myself, as long as it had a good bathtub I would be ok. It had 3 rooms, a full kitchen, a lovely deck under a circle of redwoods and… a heavenly whirlpool bathtub! There was a family of 5 who lived across the street with a young boy the same age as my son. They became good friends, started a band, put fish tanks together and rode mountain bikes in the forest we lived in. We took hikes from our front door, had brunches on our front deck and friends over for dinner. My kids were going into Jr. High and High school and the summer before they started school we all went to Europe together inspired by my trip the year before. My mom came with us and we traveled with another family for part of the time. This time we went to Spain, southern France, Italy, Germany and ended in Paris before flying back to the States. 

The year I moved from our lovely home in the woods was a year I felt like our little family fell apart. I’d been searching for a relationship to join forces with and recreate the nuclear family I’d lost. Apparently it was not meant to be as my plan collapsed and the relationship I’d been in for two years failed. I ended up renting a room from a friend, unable to secure an affordable home for my kids and I after the breakup. Injured from stress and overwork, I missed work for weeks and had no resources for a new start. I felt like a complete failure and that I truly was on my own. My kids lived with their dad in his 5 bedroom home where they had plenty of space, where they finished high school and grew into adulthood. My daughter went off to college and my son moved to Colorado with his girlfriend. Eventually my daughter graduated, renting her own place in town and my son got married and had kids.

I wasn't expecting things to go the way they did. Some things went better than I expected, we experienced what felt like miracles along the way, and we were certainly faced with plenty of challenges and feelings of defeat. And as I healed, the dust settled. 

I found myself married to someone I felt deeply connected to who was willing and ready to grow with me. Now helping to raise his twin teen boys, my step-sons, my husband and I live in a beautiful home in the mountains with a view of the ocean in the distance and  a shed that will soon become my office. My kids come to visit, to stay for dinners and celebrations and we always look forward to having them around. We are still a family though clearly my young adult children are each on their own journey. Finding their own flow and learning to trust themselves and their choices. I am currently in Paris with my daughter this month for a 10 day trip, just the two of us and I wonder at the time that has passed. I applaud her newest decision to move out of town and take her next step in discovering her path towards deeper growth and learning who she is. My son has recently started a new job, and is taking an effort to grow his parenting skills, discovering who he is, over and over again through adaptability in the field of life.

I believe I was a model of a go-with-the-flow attitude. That they are allowed disappointments as well as the goodness and magic that life brings. They will trust themselves, doubt themselves and make choices authentic to their hearts. None of us know how things will go, how we will lean into things with grace or shy away with resistance. One thing for sure is that we each have a unique path to walk and hopefully we open again and again to receive all the beauty, love, joy and satisfaction along the way.