I'd Been A Social Drinker In High School

My friends and I were not yet of legal drinking age so we would sneak our alcohol as teens. We drank beer, wine, vodka, schnapps, whisky, tequila, Southern Comfort, Cisco, and 151.

Sometimes we’d get buzzed and other times we'd end up with our faces over the toilet heaving our guts out.

It was normalized behavior among my peers. We’d sometimes find an older sibling to buy our booze for us or get it from someone’s parents' stash. There were times when we’d give cash to someone who looked over 21 going into a store and willing to get it for us.

Drinking became a commodity. Associated with fun, laughter, and good times. That stuck with me going into young adulthood and I went to keg parties and bars in college. I’d order a margarita with my fajitas on a hot afternoon or a chocolate martini dressed up at a fancy night club in San Francisco. 

In my early 20’s, I started wine tasting in Napa with girlfriends and that was it, I found my ultimate happy place. With a high tolerance to get me through the day, we’d ride bikes and go to several wineries one right after the other. We’d stock up on lovely bottles to take home with us and many great stories to go with them. We’d top the weekend off with massages, soaking in the hot spring pools, and eating at amazing restaurants. All while surrounded by the countryside draped in vineyards and at least half a dozen of my best girlfriends. Good times and fond memories indeed.

The years went by and my tendency to choose partners who drank was consistent. We drank together and I went out and drank with friends. It became a lifestyle habit to have alcohol as a part of my weekly and oftentimes, daily experience.

Then I went to Europe. Everywhere I went wine was on the list. It was good wine that cost less. I was in heaven! It was not as strong, so I could start drinking in the afternoon and go all through the day no problem. Someone posted a sign that said, “coffee, it’s what we drink until it’s time for alcohol again.” I laughed because I could relate. Strolling around Europe I saw everyone smoking cigarettes and drinking wine everywhere. It was cliche and totally acceptable to be disheveled and hung over with a baguette or coffee in hand. Walking for miles, day after day while traveling, I could get away with drinking wine all day long. Once I got back to the states however, with the higher alcohol wines and less daily movement, I could feel the effects of this routine I’d adopted. I’d wake up groggy and grumpy, head achy and stiff. The downside, I would need to be productive. I found ways to get through the day but that was it. I “got through it” until the evening when I could let it all go and have a glass of wine again.

I began to see myself from the outside. The drinking was affecting my quality of life, my self esteem and my health. I decided to take a yearly break. At first it was a month. Then 3. My break included removing wheat, dairy, sugar, and sometimes coffee. I lost weight and had more energy. I was more productive and my confidence soared. It was almost too good. I began to realize that similar to my habits of running late, falling short of commitments and over spending, that this was a way I could keep myself small. Without the pressure of high expectations, I was less likely to let people down. Most of all, myself. I could tolerate mediocrity. It was familiar and everyone else was doing it. My life had been hard, and the evidence of my shortcomings expressed as much. All of that in combination with my unconscious tendency to pick verbally abusive relationships, kept me in the backdrop while a lot of colleagues and friends were launching successful businesses and enhancing their careers. I became bright enough to shine but not too successful to be truly seen and to truly take on my life’s direction.

After 10 years of doing a 12-step program on dysfunctional families, I’d gotten to the point where I could see things for what they were. However, even with that, it took more than a magic wand to change something so ingrained. With years of associating drinking with pleasure and joy, it didn’t fade easily. I still wanted to enjoy a nice glass of wine at sunset on my deck and with dinner among friends.

The fatigue of over drinking and the way it is affecting my hormones and health as I age, has me considering the long term effects on my health overall. I am acutely aware of the judgments around drinking and that many people in social circles have chosen sobriety. I have taken pause more than once to consider AA and to stop drinking altogether for fear that I could be an alcoholic. 

Yet I remain mesmerized by wine and the making of it, the connection to the land it grows on and its histories. The resulting flavors, textures, colors, and scents. It all has a story and for me, many positive memories and associations. I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water and I don’t want to go down with the ship either…

In consideration of it all I am curbing my appetites and tendencies overall. To overspend, to binge on social media, to overeat, to over drink, to over…. anything! Addressing old unhealthy habits from the ground up, looking at why I have felt the need to overdo it in the first place. There are emotional triggers. Negative voices that come up on certain occasions. Times when I feel like I just don’t care because everything feels out of control anyway. These are all signs that I need something fulfilled on a deeper level. To take a day off to rest and integrate everything jumping around in my head. To nap or do a cleanse or get more exercise. To visit a loved one who’s going through a difficult time or communicate to someone I feel at odds with. To clean and organize my home, my car, or my office. To work on an important project I’ve been putting off. To make a change in an area of my life that doesn’t feel aligned with my values. To say “no” and hold a boundary to stop compromising myself and my self worth. To do my accounting and re-evaluate my financial plan for the future. To assess as many of my choices as possible going forward. To have a Clearing Conversation with my husband. To regain integrity with myself.

I find when I take care of those deeper needs, I don’t need much beyond that. That my outward needs are expressed as wants instead and I have more choice rather than feeling consumed by a behavior that I know won’t serve me in the long run.

I still spend money on things I could do without. I still have a glass of good wine at the end of the day. I still order dessert after a big meal at a nice restaurant. I still drive faster than the speed limit at times.

The difference now is that I trust myself more than I have in the past. I make my choices with discernment. I check in with myself regularly versus being impulsive. I used to get a high from the chaos I would drive myself into at times when I was lost in the feeling of being out-of-control of my life. Unconsciously, I would tend towards dysfunction. I made self destructive choices because I didn’t love myself enough. I punished myself out of the idea that I was flawed and unacceptable. All of this used to send me spiraling downward, coupled with my addictions which only reinforced it all. I now see those lies and unhealthy stories for what they are, so as soon as they rear their ugly heads I take a breath and remember who I really am. 

I am a magnificent woman full of light and joy who wants to make a positive difference in the world. I am committed to living a vibrant life full of love. To express my creativity and inspire others to do the same. To live life as a miracle and a gift. Therefore, I don’t intend to squander it.

I’m no longer a daily drinker. My husband and I will usually get sleepy and go to bed before we finish our glasses, pouring out the remainder. We still have more wine club memberships than we need but most of the time we give those bottles as gifts or open them for special occasions and dinners with our friends. We go cold turkey every New Year’s Day for a month or more. Sometimes we randomly take a week off from drinking because it feels like a good reset. When we “take a night off” we usually decide to do so together and, when my husband or I are traveling it becomes an opportunity to take breaks individually. Less and less is it something I crave at the end of the day. The last time girlfriends came over for a weekend to get together, we drank less than ever because none of us could handle it anymore. “It just makes me tired now,” we all agreed.

Maybe it’s part of my aging process. Maybe I’m maturing. Maybe other things in life are clearly more important. Whatever the case, I’ve leveled out the regularity of my drinking and it’s full steam ahead into my 50’s with intention and grace, self love, and a powerful Vision for what’s to come! I know we all have our journey with addictions, old unhealthy habits, and cravings. Bringing more awareness is everything. Making conscious choices front here is where the gold is!