Keeping The Faith

I was born and raised Catholic. I was baptized as a baby and had Godparents. In my youth I went to catechism so I could partake in the Eucharist. At some point in my teens, I began to question my religious upbringing. Maybe it was the content of some of the sermons, or the vows at Catholic weddings. I decided to ask my grandmother about why she had chosen to adopt the Catholic faith. 

She shared a story about going through a difficult period in her life when she was exchanging letters with her sister who was far away. When my grandmother shared her struggles her sister recommended she lean into God and the Catholic religion. That it had fulfilled her in a deep way and given her faith and strength through her own challenges. My grandmother took her advice and found immense support and strength through prayer and participating in the services held at local churches. She became devout throughout the rest of her life spending a lot of her time in community with the church and its members. 

Many of my family members were married in the church and are still Catholic today. When I asked my grandpa what had him follow God he said because my grandmother did. He loved her more than anything so her faith became his own.

My maternal grandmother was catholic as well. I have fond memories of going to church with her, holding her hand in service and singing along with the songs. She died when I was a teen and my mother plunged into a depression that lasted years. Through it all, she kept her faith and continues to pray to God today. When she was pregnant with me, she prayed to the Virgin Mary at St. Bernadine’s Catholic Church, almost daily. She was about to go through a huge transition moving away from her family and starting a family of her own, her future feeling extremely unpredictable and with many unknown outcomes. She found comfort in prayer and things did turn out well for her and my dad as they set out on their own.

I found the Goddess when I was in college. She came in many forms but the one most clear was in a class I took on women in religion and mythology. I was already interested in Carl Jung and archetypes so when I heard the stories about these Goddesses from all cultures around the world and throughout history and even before, I was captivated. She spoke to my soul through the rhythms and cycles she shared with nature, the tides and changing moon. Her expansion and contractions, her moods rising and falling with each passing season and month made more sense to me than what I’d been given to identify my inner stirrings and life experiences as I became a woman. I felt affirmed. Women were not the root of all evil as the story of Adam and Eve proclaimed. She was the revealer of our nature of our Being. We bleed, give birth and guide humanity as Maiden, Mother and Crone. We cut through the crap when behaviors become intolerable, and moral integrity is breached  against children, animals, the natural resources that sustain us and generally advocate for keeping the balance in all things. Destruction is part of this. We die, we give birth. Nothing wrong, no punishments or shame. It is all part of our blessed life experiences in all of its beauty and preciousness.

I began to reject most mainstream religions because they gloried the power of men over women and all things and put women in subservient roles. To keep quiet, obey and follow the rules he set out for her even if it meant to sacrifice her own life and well being. I notice today that this is a theme for many women. To give and give until it kills us. To continually put others' needs before our own and bypass our own pleasure, joy, and creative expression. To make sure the laundry is done, the dishes are clean, and that our kids' homework is finished, and husbands are happy before we address what is required for our own sustainability.

This is certainly not the case with all women. There are plenty of reasons to care for and nurture the people we love in our lives for sure. Knowing our own limits and being able to tell when we’ve tipped the scale too far is what I am speaking to. Most women cannot tell when it’s too much. Myself included. The barometer for well being is or has been so far off center that it’s difficult to discern. 

Quan Yin teaches us compassion, to be patient with ourselves through our mistakes and shortcomings- and to offer it to others in kind. When we are sapped and depleted, our patience and presence is missing. We cannot invoke Her until we offer her gifts to ourselves first. 

Aphrodite teaches us to adorn and love ourselves and our bodies. With women being over sexualized by men and society, our beauty from the outside outweighs the beauty we could feel within ourselves. In connection and in love with ourselves. Looking for external gratification often will lead to disappointments, a deflated sense of confidence, and leaving a woman unhappy with herself, not valuing her gifts nor her self expressions.

Sarasvati teaches us to dance, sing, and to follow our instinct to create music and poetry. To laugh and be playful. To smile at our own reflection and to allow our happiness to spread to others. To find contentment in the moment. To believe in one’s gifts and to courageously offer them to the world. She combats negativity and speaks the truth. She helps to release fears and doubts and to trust your own creative flow like the river.

Spending time “with” these Goddesses and more, has helped me to find myself. To give myself permission to honor my own cycles with all of their ups and downs. To relinquish shame or guilt about being who and how I am and to embrace my unique ways instead. I have grown to love all parts of myself even if someone or some other ideas of who I “should be” try to impose themselves upon me. I feel affirmed in the many ways that women just ARE and I encourage others to find their own unique expressions that they can feel good about. From there comes faith. Faith in our ability to find the truth that speaks to us through God, Goddess, or anything else we find solace within.